Zen ma ban?

"Zen ma ban?" or "怎麼辦" is a pretty common expression used in Taiwan, literally translated as "how to do?" As far as I've been told, it is basically a semi-rhetorical way to say "Now what?" or (with a cocked head and eyebrows and shoulders raised) "Welp, what can we do?" It is sometimes, in a way, implying that there isn't actually anything that can be done.

So when a kid spills his/her water... zen ma ban?

We just missed the train... zen ma ban?

I ate too much today... zen ma ban?

Rather than continue with the Chinese lesson (do yourself a favor and forget everything I said), I'll instead tell you about some of the most frustrating troubles I've run into as a foreigner trying to go on a date with a Taiwanese girl.

Problem A: Where should we go?

It's probably not that uncommon of an occurrence to take somebody out in their own hometown. It's a little bit awkward, regardless of the city or country, to tell somebody "I know this great Mexican place..." when they most certainly already know it. And they probably know of a better one, or a cheaper one. Or maybe they've just eaten there last weekend. Zen ma ban?

Maybe the simplest solution is to ask the question, "Where should we go?" But my own life experience has led me to believe that should I ever "take somebody out," it implies that I have planned everything. Asking her opinion takes the "thought" out of "the thought that counts."

Problem B: When is it opened?

Let's assume I've chosen the right restaurant. After all, Taipei City is pretty big, so there are plenty of potentially untapped resources. In one case, the right restaurant was "that Thai place down the street from my apartment." Bingo! She loves Thai, let's meet after work on Friday night.

We show up at around 8:00 pm on a Friday evening. Closed. Zen ma ban?

What kind of restaurant is closed by 8 on a Friday? Especially in Taipei when most people are probably working until 8. How do you make money when you are closed during dinner time?

[Worth noting: We tried again on a Saturday afternoon, but it's closed between lunch and dinner (?????). We tried again much earlier on a Wednesday evening, but it's closed on Wednesdays (???).]

The problem with being the newbie is that you don't know the area well enough to spontaneously come up with a backup plan. There's no "Oh well, let's just go to the _____ place down street."

The problem with being the newbie who can't read or speak Chinese is that you can't tell if a shop is selling fried rice or bicycles until you're standing in the doorway. So that takes simply looking up and down the street out of the question. And after realizing that the night, as it was planned, has been re-derailed... "Sorry, I'm out of ideas. You need to find somewhere for us to eat."

There is nothing like being lead around by the girl you are trying to impress as she tries to patch up your botched plan.

Problem C: What should I order?

Stemming from problem B, the scenario is that you've just been staring at the ground and dragging your heels a half step behind the girl you are supposedly courting, and you end up sitting on a metal stool with uneven legs at a dirty street food restaurant on the corner of some back alley. The owner/host/waiter brings over a menu and sets it on the table. You muster up the pride to lift your head, only to see a menu without a word of English. Zen ma ban?

"What do you want to eat?" She asks, her voice tinted with impatience, as you stare at the list of at least 50 dishes, knowing that if you follow that up with "What do they have?" she'll have to come up with a way to tell you everything on the menu.

"Something with beef." Standard. Everyone has it. Get ready for the inevitable question:

"Rice or noodles?"

And then you sheepishly watch as she starts rattling off meal orders in Chinese, first for herself, until you start to notice her and the owner/host/waiter glancing at you and gently gesturing in your direction. And now you know that your order has been placed, and she's wondering if she should make sure they bring a fork for you. And maybe a bib. And a bottle of warm milk, and a fresh diaper.

Zen ma ban?