Forgive me...

for I have sinned. This post is to confess my disrespect towards Taiwanese culture and the Chinese-English language. It's shameful to say that there are too many instances to list, but nothing is more shameful than the reason for this is because I disrespect the Taiwanese for a living.

One of my 3 year old students: "Teacher John, my home has blue cock."

My response: "You can say: I have a blue clock at home."

In retrospect, I wish I had asked my student whether or not he believes his house can have possessions, asked him what he believed a "cock"is, and then respected his choice to call a mechanism used for keeping time a "cock."

Another 3 year old student: "I want close the lights."

My reponse: "You can say: Turn off the lights."

In Chinese, people "close" electronics such as computers and lights using the same word used to "close" a door. I hope I can be forgiven for imposing the more specific term used in the English that is spoken in my hometown, whose population is not even a measurable percentage of the English speaking world.

On a 12 year old's quiz: "If I hit a home run, my team will get 1 more point."

My response: "Actually, in baseball, the points are called runs."

I realized today that although I frequently use baseball to connect to this specific child, I should try to do so in a way that incorporates Taiwanese baseball terminology. Actually, directly translated, the sport that MLB players play is called "bat ball," and the smaller fielded, bigger balled, slower pitched equivalent is called "base ball." I could start by using these terms.

Today was payday, and on my way home the weight of every Taiwan dollar in my pocket earned from my despicable teaching tactics weighed on my conscious so much, that, since mid-terms are coming up, I'm going to propose a new exam style to my boss:

Multiple choice, all questions have the option for E.) Other______________

The only instructions will be "If you choose E.), there's no possible way for me to mark your answer incorrect. English is evolving before our eyes, and therefore any attempt at anything resembling English shall be deemed correct."

I'm even going to suggest using this to replace the current leading English Proficiency Exams, which I've recently learned that due to the fact that there are so many regional differences in English all around the world, there's basically no point in trying to reach any sort of fluency in any dialect.

I used to work at a Stewart's convenience store where we gave out "milk points" for buying milk. Even though there was another Stewart's branch down the road, you could only redeem your milk points in the store they were issued from. I often had frustrated customers who argued that all milk points should work at all Stewart's locations. It was a valid argument; no matter which branch you were at, you were still buying milk, and it was still from Stewart's, everybody had the same goal and played the same game with the same rules, so why did I have to act like I didn't recognize the "other" Stewart's stamps?

Compare the Stewart's system with that of the Marriott hotel. After accumulating Marriott Rewards, you can use them in hotel locations worldwide. The difference in convenience is that one company advertises a brand name and a point system that the customer can rely on acceptance of their hard-earned points no matter where they travel in the world.

I see now that the English language is a lot more like Stewart's milk points than the globally accepted Marriott Rewards. Even though we are all learning and speaking it for the same reason (which is to communicate with the others who are learning it and speaking it), and so many claim to speak English, at the end of the day, to walk into a different Stewart's shop with, by appearance identical, but nevertheless somebody else's stamps, you can't expect to be understood, nor should you care or aspire to create a link between two. If you can't bridge that gap, then you might as well stay home.