Important Information

Dear World-

Having won over your readership has been a great honor for me. While I do hope that I entertain, I also hope that by some indirect way I can inform. While the latter goal often gets pushed aside, I do have a solution:

As some of you recall in conversations with me, I found explaining the Taiwan-China relationship rather tricky and confusing. And others still insist on asking me "How's China?" My answer: I don't know, I've never been. I'm in Taiwan.

As a small favor, please follow this link to a short article about the history and current political status of Taiwan relative to the rest of the world. Written by a certain Alfredo Sennhauser, the article is a clear and articulate up-to-date summary of Taiwan. I hope that many of you will find it interesting, as it is important to unmask the often distorted history of this beautiful island.

I thank you in advance for taking the time to enlighten yourself by reading this article. The truth will set you free.

Keep checking back for more posts - I have a list of stories I want to tell! I also put up a few new pictures of a Taipei City sunset. Enjoy!

.

I only wear Korean shoes

After deciding to get a breath of fresh air and maybe some tea with boba in it (which is really good by the way. Its got jelly balls and I like to chew it), Mike and I stepped out of the school to walk around the block. Immediately after exiting, we saw a Taiwanese man standing on the corner with a handful of pamphlets. In any city in the States, this activates a reflex to pretend like you are reading a sign on the opposite side of the street in order to avoid being guilted into taking an advertisement. In Taiwan however, while these birdcage-lining distributors are not hard to find, I don't have pretend these people don't exist. They see my skin and avoid me like the plague, not having the patience to try to explain to a foreigner about the incredible sale they are having at their store around the corner. Normally I walk by unscathed.

But not this guy. He saw me and Mike and smiled as he trotted up to us with two pamphlets in his outstretched arm.

"Do yoo wan Korean shoes?" He was obviously very excited to speak English to us, so I took the piece of paper hanging inches from my face and looked at it. For what? I don't know. I saw some numbers. "We Korean shoes," he insisted.

"Are they better than other kinds of shoes?" Mike asked. It was about that time that I noticed a number on the paper: 150 NTD, roughly $5 US.

"That's pretty cheap for shoes." I looked down at the man's shoes. "Are those Korean shoes?"

"No, no-"

"How can you try to sell us Korean shoes if you don't even wear them? That's not a good marketing strategy."

"Korean shoes!" He started moving his hand back and forth quickly in a scrubbing motion. Of course, only then did it all make sense.

"You want to clean our shoes?"

"Yes, yes! We korean shoes. Very cheap!" He even offered to korean my shoelaces and said he could lace them up exactly the way they are now. I tried to get a job weaving shoelaces, but no dice. We eventually told the man, "no thanks," we can korean our own shoes and walked away.

Moral of the story? Talk to strangers.

.

"Quote-unquote"

To read the title aloud, you'd have to say "quote, quote-unquote, unquote," which then leads to an endless amount of quoting, which is a bit of a mouthful. I was thinking today that quotes are very important. I mean that in two ways:

Quotes are important because saying...

I'm singing singing in the rain in the rain.

...makes no sense. But if you say...

I'm singing "singing in the rain" in the rain.

...it becomes a little clearer. Quotes, as you can see, are important.

Quotes, in the sense of the word referring to things other people have said, are just as important. To quote somebody means that you have at some point absorbed a nugget of knowledge about that person. After all, and I quote, "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."¹ People use quotes often, and not just for research, but for inspiration. People live by quotes, and quite frankly, for the amount of time that the concept of language has been around, by now everything we say is a quote. If you can't find the words to say, the chances are someone else has said it already, and in more eloquent rhetoric. Naysayers will say, "Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them,"² and will I say, "Aha! You fool!"

The dumbfounded stallion will stand there perplexed, not being able to think of anything original to retort.

"You see, my friend," I will say. "'Originality is the art of concealing your sources.'³ It worked for Shakespeare, 'after all, all he did was string together a lot of old well-known quotations.'⁴"

^{__________________________________________________________________
Concealed Sources:
1} Wilson Mizner
² Samuel Palmer
³ Unknown (ironic, eh?)
⁴ H.L. Mencken

Almost Famous

...or "The Time I Almost Lost a Kidney"

Last weekend I went into Taipei City for the night. I started off at a New Zealand burger joint and ended up at a South African bar/meat pie store. Meeting up with Mike, my Canadian roommate, and B, my South African roommate, and Fred, my Taiwanese friend, we were a melting pot with no assimilation required. After a few TBs (Taiwan Beer) and a couple brandy and cokes, the four of us, plus a peculiar collection of South Africans, were talking like old friends about everything: the joys of teaching, how great Taiwan is, the dangers of smoking, and Chinese birth chart compatibility. However, it soon became time to go to Shilin night market.

It's really hard to do justice to the Shilin night market through description; it's more of an atmosphere you have to breathe and take in. In between two MRT stops, there are hundreds of food stalls, clothing shops on wheels, knick knackerys, carnival games, and so on, all crammed together. They've got belts, and sneakers, and trucker hats galore. Fried chicken, rice noodles, chicken feet and more! It is a culture explosion, contained in a relatively small portion of the city, with a nightly attendance of thousands. As the night progresses, it gets harder and harder to walk through the densely packed alleys. Even if only for a late night snack, the buzz at Shilin night market is worth the trip.

So here we are, Mike, B, a guy Shaun, and I, weaving our way through the crowd. All of a sudden a young man stopped us. "Hey have you guys ever done any commercial acting before?" With a party of four, we defeated the odds- none of us had. "Well I'm actually a casting agent and I'm looking for a white male, kind of sporty with blue eyes to do a bubble gum commercial." I looked around. I had the only blue eyes for miles.
"I'm white!" I exclaimed. "I like sports, too! And I have blue eyes!"
"Yeah, thats great. They are casting tomorrow near SYS Memorial MRT station between 2-5. Take my card, call my phone when you want to go so I can make sure I'm there."

One taxi ride, a few hours of sleep, a headache, and a shower later... Should I call this guy? Eh, why not? Inspired by Josambro, Dave and I have sort of a competition to see who can get famous in Taiwan first. To my understanding, this commercial was for television, so I would be everywhere. So I called. "They're going to do a quick photo shoot, and maybe have you say a few lines while pretending to ride a bike or surf or something."

I got off the MRT and was picked up by a scooter. Being the passenger on a scooter is a very intimate experience. We zipped around town, and when we pulled down a not-so-public street, I started to get worried. I value my kidneys. I entered a small office and was directed to a room with two giant lights pointed at a blank wall. I stood in the spotlights and posed, turned around slowly, and gave a brief introduction. The camera's shutter snapped furiously. I started observing weird things, like how many exits there were and what could potentially be used as a weapon. I couldn't remember if they offered me anything to drink...

The whole operation only lasted about 5 minutes and I was awake for the whole thing (the photo shoot). I was scootered back to the MRT and told that they'd get back to me by Wednesday. Turns out I didn't get the part, "the director changed the requirements for the character." I'd sure like to meet this whiter, sportier, more blue-eyed chump who happens to be in Taiwan.

Do NOT try this abroad

It's not really fair to try to convince you that everything over here is easy as pie. You'd be silly to believe it, anyway. I've been twelve timezones away from my home for a whole month, I speak the bare minimum of the native language, and for awhile, I didn't have a cell phone. If only Dave was black, I'd have 90% of a comedy screenplay written. But Hollywood or not, with these ingredients, something was bad was bound to brew. Let's turn back a few pages, right at the part where I thought I knew Taipei City like the back of my hand...

I had received an email from Julie, my agent, with the time and location of my initial interview so she could begin pimping me out to the best schools in Taiwan as soon at possible. 3:00 pm? Keelung Road? Section 1? XinYi District? Shoot, that's right near Taipei 101, and I had been there once in my life. Not to mention I'm practically best friends with a guy who knew a guy whose brother dated a girl's cousin whose grandfather worked for the friend of a civil engineer that helped design the road system in Taiwan. All that means is that I was ready to brave Taipei City without a map. Word of advice: do not try this abroad.

I got off the subway, came up from underground and surveyed the scene. After a few weeks in Taiwan, it turns out that I have an above average sense of direction. I gauged the wind and started walking in the estimated direction towards my destination. I checked my watch; and because I planned to have a time cushion, I had about 25 minutes until my interview. Strolling along, confidently making lefts and rights at seemingly appropriate places, I started to get a little nervous. I had a few street names stored in my memory that I knew exactly what to do upon seeing them, but it had been 10 minutes and I hadn't seen any of them, which was a problem. I looked around and saw that I was in the shadow of the tallest building in the world, looming above me in all its collosal glory. At the next corner there was a map.

Aha! I was walking the wrong direction! I walked in another direction for a few minutes before I started to get the feeling that I was still not headed the right way. It happened to be that I was at the base of Taipei 101.I knew the compass direction from Taipei 101 to my interview, but an unfortunate fact about Taipei is that it glows. That is, there is always a very thick layer of smog and/or rainclouds covering the sun, giving the city a fluorescent light effect. No shadows, no distinct source of light. I found another map on a corner. Within the next 10 or so minutes, I had graduated from a casual, confident walk, to an "oh no, I have 2 seconds left to cross the street" sprint. The occasional map on the corner was like finding pit stops in The Amazing Race, and I said a silent prayer before approaching each one, hoping that the "You are Here" bubble was closer to Julie than the last one. The minutes ticked by, 3:00 came and went, and frustration and panic ensued, accompanying an already existing large amount of perspiration, fast running, and a cornucopia of curses (FYI- there is an automatic 2 points added for every use of the word "cornucopia" in everyday conversation).

Naturally, I blame two things other than the stupidity of not bringing a map: Keelung Road stops being Keelung Road for awhile. It turns into another road that brings you to a place that is not Keelung Road. What's up with that? And the other thing: North is not always "up" on the maps on the street. I was used to reading maps that followed a universal, logical pattern, so I was making lefts that should have been turn around, go 3 blocks and make a rights.

Sure enough, I made it to my interview, and only 15 minutes late at that (Julie was very understanding*). Let this be a lesson to Taiwan-goers: always write down the address in Chinese, always carry a map, never say "near a 7-Eleven" as a serious point of reference, and never assume Up is North.

*considering she told me her office was on the 13th floor and the elevator only went up to 12. Talk about a panic attack to interrupt the sigh relief when I found the building...

A serendipitous reflection

I really wonder if there is some mysterious force that floats through the air, channeling thoughts and emotions, connecting minds in contemplation. Have you ever been thinking about something in a specific way, and then someone around you recites your thoughts in such a way that it seems more impossible that they didn't read your mind than if they claimed to have done so. The eerie lack of an even miniscule connection between coincidences often drives me mad. In a few instances I've wondered if I have a habit of thinking out loud, and I've toiled with the idea that I am an ESP prodigy and that I have some supernatural force surrounding me, connecting me to the minds around me.

The population of Taipei City is well over 2.5 million people, who are spread out over 272 square kilometers. On Monday March 30th, I knew exactly 5 people in the city, including Dave. On my way to an interview at 8:00 AM, I was walking through Taipei Main Station, which is the hub terminal for the MRT, the TRA (Taiwan Railway Administration), and the HSR (High Speed Railroad). Basically the Taiwan equivalent to Penn and/or Grand Central station at rush hour in the morning.

Sure enough, in the midst of the three-floor hustle bustle of Taiwanese commuters, I crossed paths with one of the people I know. Perhaps an insignificant part of my day, but I don't stop thinking about these things. Ever. Had I let one more person squeeze in front of me on the escalator, had I stopped to tie my shoe, traveled in a different car on the MRT, or even been looking in the opposite direction to try to find where I needed to be, I would have walked right past him. We would have been 10 feet from each other, but we would never have known.

While it would not be very undesirable for many people, you can probably trace almost everything in your life back to a 5-second window of oppurtunity that led to it. The people you've met, or even scarier, what about the people you haven't met? It's fascinating how many life paths could have been, or already have been, altered by a seemingly insubstantial amount of time.

Next post: video of a bunch of stoners and some religious fanatics discussing the butterfly effect and the idea of "fate."

Hao, hao

At my school, all of the teachers are referred to as Teacher [first name]. For the past two days, I have been sitting in on a few classes for observations as part of my training. Even though I only sit in the back corner of the classroom on a miniature chair with my knees at my chin, the kids seem to if not like me, at least be curious about me. They hug me, climb me, give me stickers and throw bouncy balls to me. They want to know my favorite color, how old I am, where I am from, what my favorite food is. Granted, a majority of these questions are spoon(chopstick?) fed by their everyday teachers, but you can't expect a five-year-old Taiwanese boy to be able to come up with interview questions. Reciting it, comprehending my answers, and formulating an appropriate response is more than enough to impress me.

"Teacher John, why are your eyes blue?"
This question came to me in between classes, as I was smelling kids' hands for soap to make sure they washed for twenty seconds after using the bathroom.

I need to come up with a good answer for that, seeing as how it's the second time a kid has asked about my eyes (the first one was asked to another teacher). Do I tell them I am sick? Do I have superpowers? Should I act like I didn't know, then when I look in the mirror should I scream and try to wash them out?

Food for thought: It's amazing how similar boredom and procrastination are. I do the same mindless activities whether I have nothing to do or everything to do.

Chapter 2: Xizhi

I guess it's about time I let all 7 of my faithful followers know whats been going on in my life for the past week or so.

Little known fact: about 2 weeks ago I looked up the price for a plane ticket home. When we got here, we found out that the Global Economic Plunge, or GEP if you will (yeah, I just made that up), had apparently taken its toll on Taiwan just weeks before we landed. Due to the GEP, there have been many language school closings, leaving a surplus of Unemployed English Teachers, or as I like to call, UETs, a population of which I was recently representing. As many of you know, as a UET, I've spent the majority of my time going to door to door to any places that appeared to be language schools, distributing my resume and warning the unaware of Armageddon, which the GEP is sure proof of. Don't deny truth.

Little known fact: I have an agent. After seeing my hopes and dreams in a gutter in Taipei, she took my floundering fledgling of a teaching career into her own hands and vowed to end my affiliation with the UET. She started calling me (I didn't have time to get a manager to take these calls) and setting me up on interviews all across Taiwan. Taichung, Hsinchu, and Shijr. I also had two interviews that I got without her help. I nailed all the interviews; wow'ed them with my English speaking skills, my storytelling voice, my knowledge of grammar, and my ability to write in script. No teaching experience? No problem. I went 4 for 5 getting job offers on the spot (I started off 0-1, then caught fire.) That's 80%, people. To put it in perspective, Sidney Crosby only makes 13.7% of his shots, and most golfers only sink about 18 shots out of like, 70+ strokes (~25%). Heck, even LeBron is only shooting 48.7% from the floor this year. Needless to say, I was a sought after person, partially thanks to my agent, who showed me the money and helped put me in a position to be picky. Which is why I chose the best offer: a competitive salary, decent working hours, and free accommodation, 5 minutes walking distance from my school, in a town called Xizhi (or Shijr), which is a 17-23 minute, $21 NT train ride to/from Taipei City. Check out my pics of the new pad and the view from my balcony on the 23rd floor (score 1 for panorama assist! click for a better look).


On Monday, I begin two weeks of boot camp (training/observations) before I officially become a teacher. Boo-yah, GEP!