Taipei Zoo Report Card (Part 2)

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We meet again, Taipei Zoo. It seems like only yesterday that I was speed-walking through your African Animal Area as you tried endlessly to awe me with your exotic wildlife, subjecting yourself to my harsh grading system. A fine establishment indeed, although I only was able to see about 20% of what you have to offer.

This week, along with my kindergarten class, I was on the prowl again at the zoo. As judgmental as ever, I tried as best I could to inspect each animal exhibit while also juggling 18 five-year-olds in 90 degree heat and 113% humidity.


Formosan Animal Area: B-
For such a small island, Taiwan has some pretty impressive wildlife. The animals themselves were readily available for viewing and were nothing short of entertaining. My question though: how hard is it to get a deer, flying squirrel, otter, or black bear from any country and slap the word "Formosan" on the name tag to give yourself more diverse fauna? Anyone with me on this conspiracy theory?

Spider Monkeys: A+
These guys were born to be zoo animals. Swinging, climbing, jumping, and howling non-stop was enough to draw a standing ovation from a group of Taiwanese youngsters (and their American teacher). Sure beats whatever they were doing wherever they came from. Keep up the great work, guys!

Giant Panda: B+
The panda's grade went up slightly. The line was longer and the actual viewing time was about the same. One panda was passed out in the back corner of the cage, and the other one was pacing around. Continue air-conditioning the Panda House and I see great improvement in the coming months.

Needle-nose Pliers Crocodile: F
I made up the name, but I'm sure you can imagine this fabulous animal. "Teacher, is it dead already?" inquired one of my English-learning youngsters. How do you explain to a child about animals that refuse to flash their sharp teeth despite being fed and sheltered? Here's a tip: if you ever plan to get a passing grade, start by not blending in with your habitat.

Other kinds of Monkeys: A+
This includes all the Tropical Rain forest monkeys. Again with the climbing, swinging, picking, and just being generally disgusting(something that was happening on both sides of the barrier). All these guys have to do is show up to work and the crowd goes wild. I even took notes to improve my own teaching.

Leopard: D
This giant, dry-heaving, spotted feline was doomed from the start. None of my kids could wrap their minds around the fact that it wasn't a cheetah. Maybe next time, leopard. Good luck with that hair ball.

Asian Elephants: B
Sorry, boys, those tiny little ears don't hold a candle to the mainsails on the African Elephants. Major points earned for being an elephant. Always a crowd-pleaser, so good job being elephants. Sorry you didn't make it in the big tent. (Don't forget to giggle after reading the first sentence.)

Tigers: F
Wake up, you bums.

Nocturnal House: F-
I hope you understand that this wasn't my idea. This is my idea: a company called "Johnny's Pest Control/Nocturnal House Supplier." This place epitomizes that whole trash vs. treasure bit. I didn't know how to explain to my kids why I kept yelling "Scram!" at all the animals. "Teacher John, I can't see!" they whined. "That's okay," I said. "They're rats. Don't you remember anything I told you about New York?" The worst part about this dimly lit maze was that the only thing at the end was a great example of pathetic fallacy: a rainstorm.


Taipei Zoo: A-
The more I see, the more I like. Anything that keeps my class entertained for a day when I don't have to is A-OK in my book. Still to come in the Taipei Zoo Report Card series: The Penguin House, Amphibian and Reptile House, and the Bird House.


pictures of animals and my little kiddies from Zoo Round Two (just found out- the zoom function on my pic page is pretty cool.)

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Taipei Zoo Report Card (Part 1)

(photo update)

Here's a challenge: go to a zoo for 1 hour and try to find animals that don't suck.


Over the weekend, I went to Taipei Zoo with Mike and B. A late start got us there just before 4:00 pm, which is when they stop letting people in. The Zoo closes at 5:00, so we had about 1 hour to see as many animals as we could.

After we coughed up $60 NT, roughly 1.84 USD or 24.16 Mexican Pesos, we tried to map out the best route for seeing the "cool" animals, what we later decided were the ones from Africa. To sum up our trip I've decided to grade each exhibit.

Giant Panda: B
This is generous grade. I only managed 3 pictures because I was being herded quickly through the exhibit. They get points for just being cool animals. (Q: What did the Panda say to the Polar Bear? A: You shoulda seen the other guy!)

Everything in the Nocturnal House: F
Advice for zoo-goers: if you only have 1 hour to look at animals, skip the Nocturnal House. It's lame. Nocturnal animals are proof of evolution, because they're the animals nobody wants to see in the light. Nobody wants to see raccoons and field mice. Ever. Especially not at a zoo. We wasted 5 minutes trying to grope our way to the exits.

Camels: B+
Camels, you're alright. Nothing beats a field full of camel-toes. Especially when they've got the zookeepers spendin' all their money on 'em.

Hippos: A
For being fat with stumpy legs, you sure do kill a lot of people per year. And that thing where only your nostrils and eyes come out of the water is pretty cool, too. One of the few animals at the zoo that actually move.

Zebras: B
Like a horse, but not boring. This is one animal that makes you wonder "How did that happen?" Fortunately we got there right at half-time so we were able to get a few photos.

Rhinos: B-
Extra points for the built in weapon. Minus points for using your face as a kickstand to help you sleep while standing up while I'm trying to extract optimal cool-ness from the zoo. One of their faces was right in a pile of droppings. He'll probably wake up hungry.

Lions: A
I have a soft spot for lions, mostly because of The Lion King. No males on display, but at least Nala and Sarabi weren't inside the den nagging.

Giraffes: B
They were lying in the grass and not eating the highest leaves off the trees, which would be the ideal image to go along with my expectations. But long necks are cool, especially for animals with malodorous hooves.

Animals that resemble deer: D
There are a bunch of animals lumped into this category. Which is why they only get a D, because they aren't very unique. Curly horns, pointy horns, stubby horns, whatever. Do something productive with your life, like invest in a glowing nose.

Ostrich: A-
The ostrich found a hole in the pen and stared at us for quite awhile. It was a special moment. Come back when you can fly and you'll see that A- turn into an A+.

Gorilla: F
MIA

Assorted monkeys: C-
Chimps were MIA and the other monkeys flung too much poo at their Plexiglas windows so we could barely see anything.

Taipei Zoo: B+
Lots of (surprisingly correct) informative English. It's not the biggest zoo in the world, but for the price of 4000 ml of green tea, or two pieces of delicious fried chicken from the street vendor, or a piece of cake and a chocolate milk, how can you be disappointed? This review is 75% incomplete, as we pretty much only saw African animals. Perhaps one day I will pick up where I left off and finish the Taipei Zoo report card.